IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE BEERS.
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8oz can, but now comes in a 16oz can. The can is divided into eight compartments of 2oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Macintosh Beer
At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can. Considered by many to be a 'light' beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that 'you don't need to know.' A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brand.
Windows 98 Beer
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Brewed as a new improved version of Windows 95 Beer, it tastes the same but comes in different packaging. The manufacturer has removed some of the old Windows 95 ingredients which caused consumers to have headaches, and have added new ingredients (mostly stabilisers) which cause new and improved headaches for people who didn't previously have headaches.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in a 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an 'industrial strength' beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 2000 Beer
Known as NT-Lite, it is an industrial strength beer adapted for the individual consumer who wants the advantages of NT but without having to go out to crowded bars. I need a pdf reader. Comes in 32 oz cans but, cans can now be bought separately and contains no DOS Beer ingredients.
Windows ME Beer
A celebration beer brewed purely to take advantage of the marketing opportunities presented by the new millennium. Most people consider it a repackaged version of Windows 2000, but the promised extra fizz has caused severe cases of indigestion and led many to return to Windows 2000 beer.
Windows XP Beer
Not so much a Beer as an alco-pop or alcoholic soft drink. It has bright packaging with child-friendly soft edges and it claims to integrate all the advantages of Windows 2000 Beer with all the advantages of those snacks which normally accompany Windows Beers. In order to open it you have to phone the manufacturer who will send you a ring for the ring-pull. Appealing to new consumers who like a sugary beer that talks back, but is highly irritating to older Windows Beer consumers.
UNIX Beer
This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named 'X', it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.
Linux Beer
A mass-market version of Unix beer enjoyed by those who find Windows Beer indigestible. Lighter than the traditional Unix brew, it may look unimpressive but is stronger and cheaper than Windows Beers. Is catching on because it stays free from harmful viruses for longer. Has a penguin logo showing that it's cool to drink Linux Beer rather than eccentric.
AmigaOS Beer
The rock and the rock mac os. AmigaOS Beer is not unlike Unix Beer. No longer brewed commercially, the recipe is kept alive by enthusiasts. The container is no longer manufactured and must be bolted together from old sawn-up cans. It is enjoyed by beer preservation enthusiasts who consider it a safer brew than any of the new-fangled Windows Beers. Many AmigaOS Beer drinkers wouldswitch to Linux Beer except that they've already invested time in sawing up old cans to make new containers for their AmigaOS Beers.
VMS BeerNo longer sold commercially in any great quantity. Some older consumers have a stockpile of this now obsolete but once very popular brew and limited supplies can apparently still be obtained. For many years a competitor against UNIX Beer, it ultimately lost out against Windows Beer and most VMS Beer enthusiasts are reduced to consuming VMS-type Beer which lacks the bite of the original. A Lite version existed in the form of DECMate Beer.
PRIMOS Beer
An obscure historical beer which never really took off except at colleges which could not afford UNIX Beer or VMS Beer. Cheap, but not very satisfying except among a hard-core of consumers, it quickly vanished into obscurity.
CPM Beer
An early beer which required the consumer to hold onto two small opened cans and drink from the cans alternately. Despite the small capacity, each can took a long time to drink. Similar early beers included BBC Beer, Apricot Beer and DECMate Beer.
OS/4000
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An 'own-brand' of beer consumed by employees of its manufacturer who were once not permitted any other brand. Sold only to the manufacturer's employees, it lacked the ingredients necessary for commercial success. When competitors' beers became available within the factory, OS/4000 Beer became a minority beer against early rivals such as CPM Beer, BBC Beer, VMS Beer and SunOS brand UNIX Beer.
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE AIRLINES.
MS-DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and lettheplane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump onagain, and so on.
Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticketagents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time youaskquestions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't wanttoknow, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times bystanding in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing whereyouwant to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an oceanliner,a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane andtheplane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderfultrip.exceptfor the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in whichcaseyou will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
Windows 95 Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards andstewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff. then, once intheair the plane turns blue and blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing thechairsin the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and makejetswooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Windows XP Airline
The airport terminal is even more colourful, with friendly staff and nice rounded edges on everything so that you can't cut yourself and big signs in large friendly letters. A big friendly looking plane arrives and after pfaffing around with compatibility options manages to take off. There are no pilots - everything is done automatically, which is great in good weather but a total nightmare in even mild turbulence.
Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to theairport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kindofplane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, theybuildseveral different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Somepassengersactually reach their destinations.All passengers believe they got there.
Mach Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane,thenwait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carryingonepiece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway andputthe plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind ofplane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving thepassengerson the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After theplanelands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport toinform them that they have arrived.
Replicant: the search mac os. Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to boardtheplane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times,thecrew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take yourseat.As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces thatyouhave to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room andneed torecount to make sure they can take more passengers.
VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds oftechnicianscheck the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This planehas atleast 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengersscramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. Thepilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, onlytorealise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
Linux Airline
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start theirownairline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runwaysthemselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing theticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. Whenyouboard the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copyofthe seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is verycomfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a singleproblem,the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the otherairlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, 'You had to dowhatwith the seat?'
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE LIKE KNIGHTS.
In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who haspulled the sword from the stone and slaughteredeveryone with it, comes the knights of the MSTable: Single 0 roulette wheel.
Sir DOS:
Plain complexion and no armor. Rides verystablely on his mare. He vary rarely falls, butknows only the basic combat tactics and is verydifficult to talk to, since he speaks andunderstands no more than eight-letter words. KingGates plots to murder him.
Sir Windows 1.0:
Sir DOS's twin brother with a bad toupee. He fallsoff his horse quite frequently and knows no morethan Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicatewith due to his obsession with eight-letter words.He was killed in his first battle. King GatesPretends this one never existed.
Sir Windows 3.x:
Sir Windows 1.0's best friend. He is a wee bitmore stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yetnot as good as Sir DOS. He's got some really neatdesigns on his shield but still does not know muchmore than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet toovercome his devotion to eight-letter words. KingGates is always asking, 'Why can't you be morelike that nice Sir Windows95?'
Sir Windows95:
Sir Windows 3.x's Brother. He's got the samedesigns on his shield, but his armor is veryshiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but neverreally puts them to use. Not confined to eight-letter words anymore, but it depends who he'stalking to. Claims to be able to converse withmany people at once, however if he tries tocoverse with too many, he'll turn blue, fall right off hishorse and land on top of somebody. King Gates isproud of this one.
Sir Windows98:
Sir Windows 3.x's Brother and non-identical twin to Sir Windows95. You can only really tell them apart but slightly different shield designs and Sir Windows98 is more stable in the saddle and less likely to turn a funny colour and fall over.
Sir WindowsXP:
Sir Windows 95's heir who resembles a cross between a knight and a nanny. He's all done out in bright colours and has soft rounded edges on his armour. His shield is padded so even if you run into it you won't get hurt. His weapons are also padded as he really doesn't want to hurt anyone, not even accidentally. He rides a jolly fat pony called Hotfix, carries a soft pillow for people to fall on and he likes to think he's impossible to copy.
Sir Windows NT:
Sir Windows95's tough-guy uncle. He's got dullerdesigns on his shield, but the same shiny armor.His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain toget into and impossible to get out of, all he cando is add more layers. Falls off his horse everyonce in a while, and everyone else goes right withhim. Mixups by powgi mac os. Can converse with many people at once withoutfalling off. He knows advanced combat skills anduses them when necessary. Has the same problemswith eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This used to beKing Gates' favorite thing to show off until Sir WindowsXP came onto the scene.
Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gatesand find the wandering swordsman of the land:
Sir UNIX:
Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. Hefinds all the information he can and his only goalis to distribute it to others who ask. Knows gamesand will play them, but likes work better. KingGates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill andmutilate this knight.
Sir VMS:
Considered by many to be old, corpulent and clunky, Sir VMS was a faithful servant until the new trend for leaner more agile knights. Riding a huge shire horse and weighed down with a ton of armour, his progress in battle was sure and steady rather than swift. Although dull to behold, he could converse with many at once.
Sir Primos:
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Once a knight in his Prime, Sir Primos has long since retired from the field and rarely gives weaponry displays except to enthusiasts almost as old as he. Slow and unsteady, even in his youth, Sir Primos was a faithful, but inelegant, servant.
Sir MAC OS:
Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims theknights of the realm of King Gates stole hisideas. Lately his popularity has declined. Andrecently he has made an alliance with King Gates.He does know any useful battle skills and willtell you only what he thinks you should know. Thegood thing about him is that he has no problemwith words of more than eight letters.
Sir OS/2:
Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 andcopied off of them. He was popular for a time, butnow many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstance.There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.
King Gates reigns high over all that is his anddestroys or consumes all that is not. And theseare the OS Knights.
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